The Forty Year Old Girl

In two months, I will turn 40 years old. Forty. FORTY YEARS OLD. I have been dreading this day for quite sometime. I dreaded turning 30, too, but it's nothing like the dread I feel now. There was a time when I thought 30 was ancient. When I was 22, I had a 28 year old boyfriend and I considered him 'much older.' I suppose it's all relative; however old you are, the next decade seems like your twilight years. You think it's far off, but before you know it, you reach that next milestone and begin dreading the next one.

And have you noticed that kids are taking over Hollywood? Everyone is obsessed with youth. Here I am, almost 40, and I am obsessed with the Twilight saga. I hear there are a lot of twilight Moms, actually.

When I turned 32 or so, I began to be attracted to younger men. When I was 34, I dated a guy who had just turned 23. And since then, all of my dates/flings/relationships have been with younger guys. One recent one in particular is almost 12 years my junior, and even though we don't see each other anymore, I still want him. What I thought was just for fun turned into love. I would marry him in a New York minute, despite our age difference. He never seemed to mind, and many young men say they prefer an older woman.

But 40? I don't know. Am I still going to be able to get away with my younger man prefernce?  Will I be able to get away with anything? Forty sounds like such an...adult. I don't feel like an adult. I'm silly and girly and free-spirited - I still feel like a girl. My mom once told me that some girls will always be girls, and some become women. I know what she means. After all, I still love Hello Kitty, the color pink, get ga-ga over rock stars and hot actors, and I giggle and laugh most of the time. I'm a girl.  I have never owned my own home and am not currently married and those things heavily contribute to the adult status. The fact that my daughter and I are temporarily living in my mother's home because I have health issues, really makes me feel like a girl.  I feel like I am about 16, actually, because my mom still edits everything I do. I don't care what age you are, if you have to move home with the rents, you're treated like you're a kid (see how I used the term 'rents?' That is something a girl would say).

I thought by the time I was 40, I would be married (or re-married, in my case), own a nice house, either be in a career or have a husband who supported me, and have 2-3 kids. I have one child and it's hard to imagine having another, but had I stayed married the first time and my husband weren't an alcoholic sociopath (I'm being nice),  I would have wanted more than one. Now I'm too old. Not married. Old, old, old. I'm not the type of person who would have a child out of wedlock so I never considered having a child in my late 20's and 30's. I love that my daughter and I are so close, a closeness that may not have been possible had I had more children, but I sure do get baby fever sometimes. I am hoping my best friend will have a baby so I can be the Godmother and help her raise it. Are you listening, T?

I have considered lying about my age. Even to say I am 35 sounds so much better than 40. I have good skin so I could certainly get away with it.  Perhaps I would even begin to believe it, myself.  But, I don't lie. There goes that idea.

So I have decided to embrace being a 40 year old girl. My plan is to get in great shape physically, take great care of myself, finally jump start my writing career, and just be the most fabulous 40 year old self I can be. It's better than being 40 and un-fabulous, and besides -  what choice do I have?