I want to be the master of my own happiness, but I don't know how. I don't want to need anyone. I don't want anyone have control over how I feel.
Into The Wild's Christopher McCandless thinks he doesn't need anyone, but in the end decides "happiness is only real when shared." While I don't agree with disappearing without letting your parents know if you're dead or alive, I do agree with his philosophy about needing people. Needing someone is wasted energy. After all, no one really wants you to need them, and it is never something upon which you can fully rely, anyway. Maybe being totally self-reliant is my raison d'etre, but when you need so much medical care, that's a nearly impossible feat. I don't want to need medicine or food or cable TV. I most definitely don't want to need love.
I know what makes my engine tick is out there somewhere. It will be a cause or an art form or something beautiful I can explore. But it's not love.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
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