Misanthropic Moments

For all my bitching and moaning about wanting someone to love me, to have a boyfriend, it finally happened. For about six weeks. In true 'Leslie Fashion," it moved pretty fast. We were saying "I love you" in the second week. I met his family and I loved them (and adored his sister) and spent several nights a week with him and it was pretty passionate. He helped me get up stairs. He understood my limitations. He was super intelligent, but so depressed that he made me look like Miss Mary Sunshine. I never knew what mood he would be in. He was addicted to playing games (board games, something I didn't even know people did anymore) and distracted himself from his real life problems by playing games all day. I did love him. My pain level went down when we were together and he told me how happy I made him. I decided to approach him about his depression. His response was to break up with me and now he won't even speak to me.

                                                                           

Whenever a love affair ends, my ego is the first part of me to react.  I had fully prepared myself to break up with him if some things didn't change, but instead, I got dumped, and I'm sad about it. I miss him, but I know my ego is suffering more. I was a good girlfriend. We got on well together. I was actually getting out of the house and having some fun for a change. And it's completely unfair that he is shutting me out and won't even explain himself to me. His personality has totally changed. We used to discuss things and now I have been taken out of the loop. And my ego is saying, who is HE to dump ME? This drives me to try to contact him and try to win him back, even though I am not sure I want him anymore. I will stand by him through depression, but to shut me out and stop speaking to me is unacceptable. I deserve better, whether I have neuropathy or not. And to reiterate what I said in my last post, I would rather be alone. I get attached to people so easily. I HATE that about myself. How do I change that?

I need to be successful at something. I need something for me. I have been speaking to an old friend who is an illustrator about a writing project. I need something for myself and to make myself happy.