I spend so much time being frustrated at all the things I can't do, especially with the holidays approaching. I want to go out and see all of the sparkly, pretty things. I want to shop for gifts for my daughter. I want the house to be clean! I think what would make me the most happy right now is if the house were clean and decorated and pretty. I have been fantasizing about a pink Christmas. I have become a professional fantasizer, actually. That comes right after being a professional Netflix watcher. Anyway, we have lived in this town home for a little over a year. The living room, if you could call it that, is still full of boxes. We also have a storage room full of stuff. Ninety-five percent of it is my Mom's junk. We need help with the heavy lifting and there's no one to help. Of course, I could pay someone to help, but I don't exactly have any disposable income being on disability. And that's another frustration. I can't say to myself that this is a temporary situation. I can't tell myself that when I get a job, things will be better. This is it, baby. Unless someone finds a cure, this is my life forever.
I often get flashes of how my life was before. I think about the things I used to be able to do that I can't do anymore. Little dumb things, like washing my car and going to the movies. My life is in my bed. These days, I only go out when I have a medical appointment. I order in food way too much because buying and preparing food is a tremendous task. I'm still a vegetarian but I am eating like crap.
My Mom has had some health problems of her own lately. She may have rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia. She's in pain most of the time and doesn't do anything around the house. Of course, even before this she wasn't exactly Martha Stewart, but I could rely on her for some things. My daughter has never been taught to do anything because I have always waited on her. I am slowly trying to teach her things but I don't want her to be my caretaker. She shouldn't have to take care of me. I just want to take care of myself and my daughter and being robbed of that privilege is almost as painful as the neuropathy.
