Make Me Over

There was a time when I wouldn't step outside without a cute outfit, clean styled hair, full make up, and my nails done. I would bring all my cosmetics and hair products with me to work and school so I could touch myself up throughout the day. These days, I'm doing well if I take a shower. My once long, blonde hair is now cut in a bob style and I have let my natural brunette color take over. I can't be bothered with dark root upkeep (dark roots and blonde hair is a big pet peeve of mine). I still wear make-up, but not to the degree I once did. If I manage to get it on, that's as good as it gets, no touch-ups. 

When you feel like pure and utter crap all of the time, you really have to prioritize what you will do in a day. I may have phone calls to make and dishes to wash, but it might be a day when all I can do is coax myself to leave the bed. If I'm hungry but the cupboard is bare, I know it is more economical to go out to the grocery store, but if there's no one around to help me up and down the stairs, I'm going to order a pizza. Each day is a struggle for survival. A struggle to exist, but not to live. This isn't living. Looking after my basic needs has trumped looking cute. I still want to look cute. I feel like I have lost my looks. It's not age, it's sickness. I want to feel good about myself again. I don't know how to do that in my current condition, or if it's even possible. When you're well, you don't know how lucky you are to get up every day, take a shower, put your best face forward and go out into the world. I just want to hide away. I don't want people to knock on my door. If I have to shrivel, I want to shrivel up alone where no one can find me and judge me. No one will tell me I look tired because I didn't cover my dark circles. I just want to rot in peace..

*Note: When I say 'people' or 'everyone,' it doesn't apply to my daughter.