Sometimes A Girl Just Needs One

Boys are such a wonderful distraction from pain. What I want now in a guy now, and what I wanted before I was sick, are quite different. However, there is one thing that remains the same, and that is that I always want the ones who don't want me.

Last summer, I thought I was in love with J.  After we broke up, until recently, we saw each other for physical companionship, but I'm over that. He has to be the most annoying person I have ever met. I can't figure out what sort of personality he has, or if he even has a personality at all. He is very quiet, depressed, has no sense of humor, and just boring in general. I saw the good in him, which was that he was trustworthy, and I place a lot of value in that. It had been a long time since I trusted someone completely. He understood my limitations with my neuropathy. We had absolutely nothing in common but he made me feel wanted and sexy and I thought that was enough. He didn't like watching movies (the horror!) and liked to play board games. There is this whole society of people I did not know existed that meet up and play strategy board games. They can play for at least 12 hours at a time. Most of these people are pretty smart (like J), but they are also mostly unemployed, or part-time employed  (like J - educated but can't seem to find permanent gainful employment)  and they live to play board games. I went with him a couple of times, and I was OK with it because in the beginning I was so ga-ga that I was content sitting next to him, holding his arm and getting kisses in between his turns. His depression became a huge issue and I eventually suggested he seek counseling. I was getting sick of sitting in silence, wondering what was wrong, and constantly asking him, "are you mad at me?" He always told me I made him happy, and my being around him made him feel better. Well, as soon as I suggested counseling, via text message, mind you, I got dumped. I guess I wasn't supposed to notice he was depressed? At any rate, I was pretty upset. I asked myself why I was so upset, when his only redeeming qualities were that he was 6'5" and decent in the sack. I can find a warm body anywhere, if I wanted. I am a person who likes to talk and discuss feelings, and after this text message conversation, he leaves for a week to go to a World Board Game Conference or something and won't talk to me. I realized that he wasn't what I wanted. I am a big communicator. I have to be with someone who is also a big communicator. So why was I upset? Why did I cry? Granted, this wasn't the worst break-up I had been through by any means, but, how can I recognize he is not the guy for me, but still be upset? Fucking ego, that's why. Even if I don't want someone, I want them to want me. I HATE this about myself and I don't know how to change it.