A few days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, which I often do as I have wicked insomnia, and I stood in the hallway. For the briefest of moments, I was completly pain free. I was half asleep, but I hadn't felt this way in years. So I just stood there, and let it happen. I didn't know why I got up, perhaps it was to use the bathroom, or adjust the thermostat, but I didn't do either of those things. I just stood there. I felt like the old me. The me who could climb stairs with ease and go dancing and take long walks. The me who could hold down a job. The moment passed and I went back to bed. I don't know if the pain came back, or if I were just too sleepy to stand any longer. But, I do know it wasn't a dream.
Tonight I went out to put a Netflix movie in the mailbox, and it was raining. After the movie was in the box, I let the rain soak me. It felt so cleansing and free. I didn't want to go back inside. I brought the trash can back in from the curb, and tried to find other things to do to keep me out there. When there were no more chores, I stood for a few more seconds, and went back inside.
When people say they are happy, does that mean they stay in a constant state of happiness? I don't think I have ever been happy every day, even before I got neuropathy. My child makes me happy and I don't know if I would be here without her. We all have happy moments, and then those moments end. We are left with the memories of those moments, but we still have to work at having more happy moments. It takes effort, doesn't it? I suppose I need to learn to make myself be happy.
I cherish those moments when I'm alone and I have those awakenings that make me remember who I am, or who I was.
But what is the secret to true happiness? Being happy ALL the time?
