So my daughter is newly 18. Some consider this to be adulthood. People say things like "s/he's your responsibility for eighteen years." Eighteen year olds are still in high school. Eighteen year olds are still teenagers. And my 18 year old will always be my baby.
When I look through Lindsay's baby photos, a sadness comes over me. It's sort of like a death, you know. That part of life is over and it's never coming back. Pictures are all you have, the ones in the photo album and the ones in your head. Even though I love Lindsay at this age and every age, I mourn the loss of that time of innocence, the way she needed me and the way I needed her. I suppose this is why some people have so many children, because they never want to give up being needed in that way. Personally, I can't imagine having more than one. I have so much love for Lindsay that the idea of dividing it between multiple children seems impossible.
Now she says I'm too clingy. She thinks it's silly that I get so emotional when looking at her pictures or reminiscing over her baby days. But she obliges me. I'm lucky that we are so close and she's right here and I can squeeze her when I want to. We joke about me living in her basement when she gets married. She's going to college locally so I can still pretend she's my baby for a while longer.
I am overwhelmed with sadness when I see the abuse animals are put through just to satisfy humans. I have been a vegetarian for five or so years and it dawns on me pretty regularly how strange it is that prior to those five or so years, I didn't really think about these things. But now I think about it all the time. It has come down to my thinking it is morally, ethically, and perhaps Biblically wrong to consume animal flesh or use their skin or any other part of them as a resource to benefit the human race. When people say "animals were put on Earth to feed us," I want to punch that person in the face. I want them to know how moronic that ideology is. If we were cave people, I'd buy it, but there are plenty of resources where we can get protein without slaughtering innocent animals who have a face and parents and the right to live in peace. And hunting? How barbaric is hunting? It absolutely flabbergasts me that someone can prey upon one of God's creatures, just minding his business, nibbling on grass, living on the land that God put there for him, and put a bullet in his brain. Maybe it's a deer whose mother is nearby, or is frolicking with his brothers. Who are you to put an end to that life just because you like to play with guns? And these rednecks who post the heads of their kill on their walls like trophies, and teach the practice to their young children...I simply can't take it anymore. I must note that I do not condemn all non-vegetarians. I was once a meat eater (albeit not red meat) and I had to educate myself to be how I am now. I only hope people will think about it. Plus, as everyone knows - it's healthier! But that really isn't even the real reason I have developed this way of thinking. It's about being a compassionate person. It's about not wanting the innocent to suffer. The next time you cook a lobster, pay close attention to it screaming as it's boiled alive. And the next time you eat Jell-O, think about the ground up horse hooves used to manufacture it.
Eating animals is just one of the many abuse issues that exists. Animals in zoos and circuses are often abused during training exercises. They should be in the wild, not a cage, and were not put on this earth to be whipped and electrically pronged so they can do tricks for humans.
You probably don't even know what some poor bunny rabbit, cat, or monkey (and more) went through to get your mascara and detergent on the shelves at your local grocery store.
These bunnies try to escape by pulling their heads out of the guillotine style torture chamber. Their necks break and they die instantly. Perhaps sudden death is better that what happens in the pic below:
India and the UK have recently banned animal testing for cosmetics. Supposedly, we are the most civilized country on the planet, but the United States has yet to follow suit. I only use products that have NOT been tested on animals, and there are quite a few. If people would boycott animal tested products and their sales plummeted, perhaps the government would notice. Animal testing is required in China and many companies conduct animal testing so they can sell their products there.
If you have a hard time watching this video, how could you possibly use animal tested products?
Here are some recommendations for some products that can be found at most grocery stores. For household cleaning supplies, Seventh Generation is top notch. They also make baby supplies and some beauty products. Method is a good brand, too. As far as make-up, pretty much all the top drug store brands test. Easy ones to find that do not test are Physician's Formula, Wet and Wild, Hard Candy, NYX, Milani, Burt's Bees, Too Faced, Tarte, and Urban Decay. (I find it strange that Ellen Degeneres and Pink speak out about animal abuse, but both do ads for Cover Girl, who torture animals.) There are lots of higher end cosmetics at Sephora and Ulta that do not test, so just check the list. I keep a list with me in my purse so I can always double check if I am not sure about something.
I hope to someday live in a world where it is illegal to test products on animals, the majority of the population is Vegetarian, factory farming is illegal, and people don't think it's fashionable to adorn animal skin on their bodies.
Despite what I have written on this blog, I really don't want to be one of those whiny sick people. You know the ones. You ask them how they are and they go into detail of every ache and pain and take the opportunity to throw a little pity party right then and there. I don't want to be remembered that way. In 'real life' I joke about my condition, but I have really spilled my guts in writing.
I often think of my maternal Grandmother ("Nonnie") who was ill most of her life, but rarely, if ever, complained. She did what she could, was always sweet, and devoted her life to God. Nonnie passed away at 77 after living with various illnesses for 40-50 years, undergoing HUNDREDS of operations on her digestive system and never asked for anything. Granted, she had more of a support system than I do (my family sucks in that regard, with exception to Mom and Lindsay, of course), but my waiting to rely on someone is a complete waste of time. I was emotionally coddled growing up by my Mom, but no one can rescue me from this. For instance, I will never receive an ounce of compassion from my brother or my father, or some friends who have dropped out of my life, and I need to accept that. This is my baby. I need to make the most out of this situation and own it.
We are moving in several weeks - for real, this time! It has occurred to me that for the six years we have lived in this house, we have entertained moving. It's a cute house in a great neighborhood, but the rent is too high and there is too much maintenance for 3 girls to keep up with. We are moving to an apartment or townhouse in the same part of town and will have to store a lot of things and purge big time because we won't have as much space, but getting some pressure off, plus being somewhere where everything WORKS will be fabulous. (Currently, the oven and dishwasher don't work, the plumbing sucks, and there are cracks in the ceiling, among other things.) I am excited about getting rid of a bunch of stuff I don't need and to live more simply. Once I have cleaned out my closet as well as my head, I know I can be more productive. Lindsay starts college in January (OMGosh!!) and will be 18 in September. I think she will love it, even though she loathed school and ended up being home schooled. As we all know, college is nothing like the hell of high school.
Now, what do I do with all this stuff? I will never part with my CD's, DVD's, and Vinyl. I have so many 45's and LP's left from the 70's and 80's. My turntable died quite a few years ago, but I plan to replace it one day. I don't want to part with my books and my Hello Kitty collection. I have a storage bin full of old letters from when people used to actually write letters. I am on the fence about that, as well as with my old organizers and journals that I like to reflect upon from time to time. Maybe I can manage to get all of that into one storage bin. That would be progress, as it's all over the place now. Oh, and photographs. I have tons from my digital years. A few years ago I threw out all memorbilia dealing with ex boyfriends, with exception to things involving my (ex) husband. I have so many poems and cards and what-nots from him and since he IS the father of my child, I suppose I will keep that stuff. The biggest challenge of this move will be convincing Lindsay to scale down her stuffed animal collection. She has a ton in her room, as well as several giant bags in my Mom's closet. I know for sure no Pokemon or Neopets will leave her side, but surely we can part with the Barneys and the Scoobys? She keeps her things in immaculate condition. I say we make a trip to a children's hospital and spread some joy.
I have always loved this photo. Tom is kissing Nicole's back. There is a noticeable height difference but he is so confident and manly in his position. She is talking to someone else, and he is content to stand behind her, waiting.
1. Be fluent in French
2. Go to Europe, especially England, France, Greece, Ireland, Italy..
3. See my daughter graduate from college and be happy
4. Own a pair of REAL diamond stud earrings, upon which I will finally get my ears repierced
5. Become a person who is obsessed with exercising daily/be healthier/be skinnier
6. Find a cure for neuropathy
7. Be well enough to go out in the real world and earn a decent living
8. Get published
9. Live in New York City, or close to there
10. Fall in love, get married
(some of these may be fantasies rather than things I will really do)
Maybe it would be just be easier if he were dead, because then I might stop entertaining the idea that I could see him again. Maybe the dreams would stop. Maybe I wouldn't fantasize that he is thinking about me, even though he just married someone else.
In the dreams, we are never a couple. The dreams are always about my trying to get to him, to find him. And once I get close enough, he walks away. He's always close, but never close enough to be mine. She was actually in the last dream I had. They were together on a bus and I called out his name. Either he couldn't hear me, or he just pretended he couldn't, because he descended the stairs of the bus without even turning his head to acknowledge me. I think about our sex in my waking hours, but in dreamland, it's always about the rejection. I think about our kisses, and how I am sure God made our mouths so they would fit together like two puzzle pieces, and no one else's mouth would fit his but mine.
I know so much of this is from my idle mind. It's so much easier to think about him than to fall in love again. He is a tough act to follow and it's just too much effort to look.
