Make Me Over

There was a time when I wouldn't step outside without a cute outfit, clean styled hair, full make up, and my nails done. I would bring all my cosmetics and hair products with me to work and school so I could touch myself up throughout the day. These days, I'm doing well if I take a shower. My once long, blonde hair is now cut in a bob style and I have let my natural brunette color take over. I can't be bothered with dark root upkeep (dark roots and blonde hair is a big pet peeve of mine). I still wear make-up, but not to the degree I once did. If I manage to get it on, that's as good as it gets, no touch-ups. 

When you feel like pure and utter crap all of the time, you really have to prioritize what you will do in a day. I may have phone calls to make and dishes to wash, but it might be a day when all I can do is coax myself to leave the bed. If I'm hungry but the cupboard is bare, I know it is more economical to go out to the grocery store, but if there's no one around to help me up and down the stairs, I'm going to order a pizza. Each day is a struggle for survival. A struggle to exist, but not to live. This isn't living. Looking after my basic needs has trumped looking cute. I still want to look cute. I feel like I have lost my looks. It's not age, it's sickness. I want to feel good about myself again. I don't know how to do that in my current condition, or if it's even possible. When you're well, you don't know how lucky you are to get up every day, take a shower, put your best face forward and go out into the world. I just want to hide away. I don't want people to knock on my door. If I have to shrivel, I want to shrivel up alone where no one can find me and judge me. No one will tell me I look tired because I didn't cover my dark circles. I just want to rot in peace..

*Note: When I say 'people' or 'everyone,' it doesn't apply to my daughter.

Free Falling

Almost 8 months with the boyfriend. He's really groovy and my pain goes away when he's around, but he's not around enough. He travels for work a lot.

The other day I was thinking I need to get stronger. Swim. Something. At least make my legs stronger. They're like sticks from muscle wasting. The neuropathy will never go away, but if I were stronger, maybe I could at least take a walk. It's Fall and I want to be outside. I suppose I could go outside and sit. I can sit OK. Lying down is when I feel my best. Maybe I will go outside and lie on the ground. I'll bring a pillow. Then I change my mind. Today, all I have thought about is how I should just accept that I need to stay in bed the rest of my life. I just need to hire someone to go buy groceries and and bring things to me. As it stands now, I can't do all of the things that people expect me to do. I wish I could get everyone to realize my limitations. I can't cook and clean and take care of everyone. I just can't do it anymore.

In other news:

My daughter and I may be breaking free soon and getting our own place.

I fell two weeks ago and really messed up my knee.

I'll Treat Ya Good

I again want to stress how much better I feel when I have a boyfriend. Those endorphins never disappoint. My new guy of a few months is a little older, mature, and I actually LIKE him. I will never again (I hope) just be with someone for the sake of companionship. Who knows how long it will last, but right now I am happy. And my daughter is doing well in school after some hiccups last year with anxiety issues. She is in summer school and will start the fall semester August 17.

Of course, I still have pain, especially at night, but I have more moments of distraction right now. I really want to exercise but I don't know how to get started. I can't even go for a walk because of my neuropathic feet. I have all these grand ideas that never come to fruition. I say I am going to start swimming or join a gym. These things cost money and I am barely making it as it is so I need to stop entertaining those ideas. My boyfriend inspires and encourages me. Even if it's just being more productive around the house, it's an improvement.

I hope this lasts a while. My track record suggests it won't, but I am trying not to think about that and just enjoy it.

I am having another EMG this month. It's a very painful test that determines how damaged my nerves are. My doc thinks it's spreading based on the increased pain in my hands.

Sometimes A Girl Just Needs One

Boys are such a wonderful distraction from pain. What I want now in a guy now, and what I wanted before I was sick, are quite different. However, there is one thing that remains the same, and that is that I always want the ones who don't want me.

Last summer, I thought I was in love with J.  After we broke up, until recently, we saw each other for physical companionship, but I'm over that. He has to be the most annoying person I have ever met. I can't figure out what sort of personality he has, or if he even has a personality at all. He is very quiet, depressed, has no sense of humor, and just boring in general. I saw the good in him, which was that he was trustworthy, and I place a lot of value in that. It had been a long time since I trusted someone completely. He understood my limitations with my neuropathy. We had absolutely nothing in common but he made me feel wanted and sexy and I thought that was enough. He didn't like watching movies (the horror!) and liked to play board games. There is this whole society of people I did not know existed that meet up and play strategy board games. They can play for at least 12 hours at a time. Most of these people are pretty smart (like J), but they are also mostly unemployed, or part-time employed  (like J - educated but can't seem to find permanent gainful employment)  and they live to play board games. I went with him a couple of times, and I was OK with it because in the beginning I was so ga-ga that I was content sitting next to him, holding his arm and getting kisses in between his turns. His depression became a huge issue and I eventually suggested he seek counseling. I was getting sick of sitting in silence, wondering what was wrong, and constantly asking him, "are you mad at me?" He always told me I made him happy, and my being around him made him feel better. Well, as soon as I suggested counseling, via text message, mind you, I got dumped. I guess I wasn't supposed to notice he was depressed? At any rate, I was pretty upset. I asked myself why I was so upset, when his only redeeming qualities were that he was 6'5" and decent in the sack. I can find a warm body anywhere, if I wanted. I am a person who likes to talk and discuss feelings, and after this text message conversation, he leaves for a week to go to a World Board Game Conference or something and won't talk to me. I realized that he wasn't what I wanted. I am a big communicator. I have to be with someone who is also a big communicator. So why was I upset? Why did I cry? Granted, this wasn't the worst break-up I had been through by any means, but, how can I recognize he is not the guy for me, but still be upset? Fucking ego, that's why. Even if I don't want someone, I want them to want me. I HATE this about myself and I don't know how to change it.

Is Rejection A Turn-On?

My Hands Hurt Too Much To Type

RIP Hamlet

Our 15 year old cat, Hamlet, died last night after battling bladder cancer. I am destroyed. I love him so much. He always made me smile.