A "Wish I Had Written That" Moment

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star

To pray on, or wish on, or something like that

I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy

Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had

But then the dove of hope began its downward slope

And I believed for a moment that my chances

Were approaching to be grabbed

But as it came down near, so did a weary tear

I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb

Looking for a little hope

Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,

And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified

Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said

'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'

But he didn't get it I thought he was a man

But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

A Death In The Family

My family recently lost our Black Lab, Coco. Her bladder ruptured after an infection, or possible blockage, had gone on too long. We had taken her to the vet and she was on antibiotics, but the Vet failed to diagnose that her bladder had expanded to the size of her abdomen, which could have been spotted in a simple x-ray. She was about to turn 8. Just thirteen months before this, our German Shepherd Margot died of cancer, and a few years before that, our Terrier mix Joey died of old age. We still have our cat Hamlet and our Chihuahua Domino.

Now I am living in fear of the next tragedy. Hamlet is 13 or 14, and I am consumed with the impending doom of his passing. My daughter will be devastated, even more so than when our previous pets died. Hamlet is her cat and she is so very close to him. As a parent, one of the worst feelings you can have is not being able to console your child. I can't say, "everything will be alright" or "it will be better in the morning." This is death. And to animal lovers (and vegetarians) like ourselves, the impact is just as great as it would be if a family member had died.

At the emergency vet with Coco, the staff had to advise us before each procedure what the cost would be. I realize they are required to do this because they need their money to keep the facility running, but I found myself comparing the situation to a human who is ill. Does the doctor ask you if you can afford to save a life? Is that the first area of concern?  Vets will never "bill you." You have to decide then and there if your pet's life is worth the money. Coco ended up dying on her own, and afterward, we were given options as to what to do with her body. After each option was presented, the dollar amount came after. Cremation costs this, and if you want her ashes, it will cost this, or if you want her buried it will cost this. We were all in a  state of shock and mourning, and it was not the right time to hear a price being put on your friend's life. Again, I know this is standard procedure, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear.

Animals have always been my best friends. If I were able, I would buy a huge farm and take in all the strays and shelter animals in the world. They are God's creatures, just like us, and when I hear of people hunting them or hurting them, I become deeply saddened. I wish they lived as long as humans did.

A Better New Year

This year has gone by like lightning. There were moments in the beginning of 2011 when I prayed for time to multiply, but as I look back now, it's all a blur, and that frightens me somewhat. I haven't savored every moment, and so many hours have passed with seemingly no purpose.

But that's the way it goes when you live with chronic pain, at least for me. Every moment of every day I am evaluating how I feel, and negotiating when to take my next pill. I wonder what tomorrow's pain will be like, and what I will be able to accomplish, if anything. My standard of accomplishments has been whittled down. Whereas I once wanted to get my Master's degree, now my goals are simpler, such as getting the laundry done, or venturing out to the grocery store.

I've painted a pretty bleak picture for myself, but lately I've been wondering how I can be a better artist. What can I change to make this better? I shoot myself down a lot because I know there is no cure for what I have, therefore there is no direct link to make the bad stuff go away. But surely there must be something I can do to change aspects of my life that link to the original problem. Pain begets depression, depression begets self-loathing, and self-loathing f**ks with everything.

So, I am counting my blessings. I've always recognized how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful, healthy child, and a mother who has faithfully been in my corner, but lately it means so much more. For instance, I wouldn't trade my child for anything, including good health. If it weren't for her, I couldn't get through this, and just being with her brings me so much joy that I can laugh and smile through any amount of physical or emotional distress. There is absolutely nothing that could replace her. There are many people who can't say that. So many people who can't have children, or do have them and don't fully appreciate them. Even though I am hyper sensitive and I may experience more sadness than others, the flip side is that I can reap pleasure from the smallest things. Raising a child is one of those momentous pleasures, but I am also recognizing the joy of hearing a favorite tune on the radio, or recalling a situation that made me laugh long ago, and makes me laugh still. Works of art, whether visual or auditory, or something that feels good to the touch, make me feel lucky to be alive to appreciate their beauty. I love the smell of honeysuckle.

A few amazing moments can add up to a lifetime of positivity.  My plan is to seize upon those amazing moments, rather than dwelling on the not-so-great ones. Time is going to pass regardless of my health or my disposition, so I may as well make it count.

Neuropathy

Down And Out

Once I lived the life of a millionaire,
Spent all my money, I just did not care.
Took all my friends out for a good time,
Bought bootleg whiskey, champagne and wine.
Then I began to fall so low,
Lost all my good friends, I did not have nowhere to go.
I get my hands on a dollar again,
I'm gonna hang on to it till that eagle grins.
Cause no, no, nobody knows you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends, you don't have any.
When you finally get back up on your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your old long-lost friend.
Said it's mighty strange, without a doubt,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out.
When you finally get back upon your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your good old long-lost friend.
Said it's mighty strange,
Nobody knows you,
Nobody knows you,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out.

2011

This has been one of the worst years of my life, if not the worst. I hope things start to get better in 2012.

Addiction

I realize many people's opinions, and perhaps even medical findings, may disagree with what I am about to say, but I get really annoyed when addiction is called a 'disease.'  Calling addiction a disease is a slap in the face to those with 'real' diseases, such as cancer, diabetes, ALS, and so forth. Persons struck with such horrible health conditions cannot simply stop their disease by using will power. They can take their medicine, keep a positive outlook, pray, and hope for the best. Someone who drinks excessively or abuses drugs, well, all that person has to do is stop.

I do not dispute that over consumption of alcohol and drugs can wreak havoc on the body. Many alcoholics get liver disease, smokers get lung cancer, and people die of overdoses far too often. It's a sad state of affairs that destroys many lives; the lives of the abuser, as well as the lives of those who love him and are often helpless to intervene. I also realize that when the body has been supplied a substance for over a long period of time, it will grow accustomed to it, and if the supply of that substance ceases, the body will react and go into a withdrawal state. The withdrawal state can last a while and the abuser must learn to live his life without taking drugs anymore. A lot of therapy is involved. Unlike someone with cancer, diabetes, and so forth, this is where it ends, or should end. The body can survive without the harmful drugs the abuser had been ingesting, and perform even better without them. If addiction is a disease, why is it treated behaviorally? Why does the addict require psychotherapy? If he had a real disease, why can't he just take a pill? Undergo chemotherapy? Some so-called specialists argue that people are born with an addiction gene, and that it's not their fault they suffer from this 'disease.' Suppose someone with this alleged addictive gene were born on a deserted island, with only fish to eat and coconut water to drink? How would he feed this addiction that wasn't his fault? How would he ever know he had it?

I have known a few addicts in my time and they shared the same characteristic - they wanted to escape when the real world was too much for them to handle. They live hedonistic lifestyles and have no regard for the welfare of others when it comes to getting their hands on their drug of choice. They will lie, cheat, and steal to get it.

I have diabetes and chronic pain with the accompanying neuropathy. I wish I could just stop, but that's not an option for me. I have a disease and I can't just say no.

Revamping This Thing

Check back soon...