50+ Things About Me

1. I really like pink.
2. I collect Hello Kitty stuff.
3. I like to watch moronic TV, like Teen Mom and The Secret Life of The American Teenager. I have also recently started watching "What's In My Bag" videos on You Tube.
4. I sing to my cat.
5. My daughter is my best friend.
6. I love Seinfeld. Lindsay and I quote it all the time and no one knows what the heck we're talking about.
7. In 3rd grade PE class during a game of Brownies and Fairies, I ran into a wall and broke my arm because I turned around while running to see if I was about to be tagged.
8. I can't remember how many schools I have attended. My Mom dragged me all over the place. To name a few: The Shenandoah Valley in Virginia; Blacksburg, VA (where I broke my arm); Birmingham, AL; Gulf Shores, AL; Oakland, MD; Fredericksburg, VA; Greensboro, NC...too many to list, really.
9. I went to boarding school for one night at age 16. I cried for my Mom all night and left the next day.
10. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I still can't believe they were ever even married. My Mom is a sunny, sweet, optimistic person, and my Dad....isn't.
11. I am a Vegetarian and a wannabe Vegan.
12. When I was born, I was 23 inches long and almost 10 pounds. My Mom is 5'5".
13. I have been coloring my hair since the 9th grade, and I'm not totally sure what color it truly is naturally.
14. I never knew what love really was until I gave birth to my daughter.
15. To me, a 'good, stiff drink' is a Pepsi will full sugar and caffeine.
16. I used to fall in love pretty easily, but now my list of "must-haves" in a man is pretty long and specific. I will publish that list at another time.
17. I lost my virginity at age 19 to a guy named Pat on St. Patrick's Day.
18. I haven't flown since 9/11. It hasn't been an intentional thing, I just never get to go anywhere.
19. I am a registered Republican.
20. I like going to the movies by myself.
21. I have insomnia.
22. I breastfed my daughter for 16-18 months. I am a big advocate of breast-feeding and am completely horrified by women who don't do it.
23. My first kiss was at age 14.
24. I speak some French and would like to become fluent.
25. My paternal Grandmother was a WW2 war bride from England. She came to the States in her early 20's and kept her British accent until she died around age 85.
26. Losing my (maternal) Grandfather, "Papa," when I was in the 5th grade is the biggest loss of my life thus far.
27. I do not use products that are tested on animals.
28. I have loved Rick Springfield since I was 11 years old. I got to meet him when I was 34.
29. Good, well-written music can make me cry.
30. I used to get crushes on my college professors. I am really turned on by intelligence. My dating history doesn't fully represent this.
31. I broke my ankle when I was 28 by stepping in a hole in the backyard.
32. I used to bring my daughter Lindsay with me to class at UNCG when I didn't have anyone to watch her. Everyone, including the profs, thought she was the cutest.
33. I wrote my first short story when I was in the 2nd grade. I wrote about my best friend Kim and me running a detective agency.
34. I have major OCD, but Paxil put the kibosh on it.
35. I am almost six feet tall.
36. I wish I were closer with my brother.
37. I love office supplies.
38. I prefer rain to sun.
39. I want to go to Europe. I wouldn't mind not coming back.
40. I like Ovaltine.
41. I wore braces as a teenager and I would take off my headgear during the night and throw it on the floor.
42. I have a stuffed lamb ("Lambchops") that I have slept with since I was 5.
43. I live in the South, but I hate the accents, the rednecks, the hot weather, and the tanning. If I had the means, I would live in New England. Or Europe.
44. I am told my best features are my eyes, my mouth, and my legs. My Mom likes my nose for some reason.
45. I can be friends with ex-boyfriends. Very few want to be my friend, however.
46. I am very intense. I feel everything 100x more than the average person. My pleasure is intensified just as much as my pain, so that's the good thing.
47. Growing up, I didn't like being tall because I didn't like standing out. Now, I think it's pretty darn cool.
48. My greatest wish is for my daughter to always be happy and healthy.
49. I hate when people discuss how much things cost.
50. I judge people by their use or non-use of correct grammar.
51. I hate smoking. I am glad it's finally illegal to smoke in restaurants, but I want it taken a step further - I want it outlawed altogether.
52. I rarely, if ever, drink alcohol.
53. I was baptised in my (maternal) Grandparent's church in Collinsville, VA when I was 34. I feel every person should come to this decision on his own, and not just based on the urging of his parents.
54. I giggle when I'm nervous.
55. I have a big mouth and don't know when to hold back sometimes. I say everything that is on my mind out loud. It gets me in trouble quite often.
56. The movie "Into The Wild" is my favorite movie of all time. It changed my life.
57. I sleep with a fan running to drown out noise.
58. I love animals more than most people.
59. If I am cold, I would rather snuggle in a blanket than cut the air conditioning down.

Mother's Day

When I was a kid, Mother's Day was simply going out and buying the obligatory card and making some hideous gift at school. As I have aged and wised-up, I am realizing how much goes into being a Mom. Or should I say, being a GOOD Mom. Having Lindsay has changed me in so many ways. I was once so flighty and I placed so much importance on the silliest things. There is no greater feeling, no higher calling, than giving your entire being, your whole soul, to someone else. I feel like it doesn't matter what happens to me, as long as Lindsay is happy. As long as Lindsay is safe, all will be well. And now I know how my Mom must feel about me. She has given and given and given. She has rescued me more times than I am sure she cares to recall. She rescued me from a bad marriage. She became Lindsay's other parent when my husband chose not to be there. She gave us a home so I could finish my college degree and I could make a home for Lindsay and me. Before I could make that life fully materialize, I developed a nerve disease and am now incapable of taking care of Lindsay on my own, or taking care of myself. And Mom is still here. She is still taking up my slack. Still loving Lindsay like she were her own. Still breaking her back to get us through the month. She is still driving me to doctor's appointments. Still loving us unconditionally. It's just us girls against the world, and I have the most amazing Mom in the whole world. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her, for I don't know where Lindsay and I would be without her.

Blame

I don't buy into the blame game, yet I keep catching myself rolling the dice from time to time. The self-loathing, low self-esteem, and the relentless pursuit of praise didn't come out of nowhere, but I am way too old for this. A part of my brain just won't let go.

Awake

Nighttime is the Devil's playground
Where I am expected to rest
But I find no peace
Instead my mind is mush
And it wanders
To places and problems
And unsolvable puzzles that don't exist in daytime
But chase me as I lie there
Watching the clock
The numbers stand still
When you want them to run
I wake up and get up and life travels through my head like old movies
Imaginary caffeine fuel my thoughts
Blood red eyes beg for sleep
But it never comes
Light peeks through the curtains
Life is calling

Love Letter

You once said I was all you wanted and now you won't answer my calls. You are far away and have most likely found suitable company. But here's the thing. Neither time nor distance has made it go away for me. Believe me, I have tried. I have tried to forget you. But loving you forever without your loving me back is just something I have to live with, I guess. I don't want it. I don't want the burden of all this feeling without reciprocation. It's killing me. If I knew of some sort of voodoo or medicine man who could help me I would surely sell what is left of my soul to rid myself of this misery. This has never happened to me before. I have been in relationships that have ended and I moved on. I've been divorced and bore that man's child, but it was nothing like this. It's just the way I operate. I suppose I never really loved anyone before you, even though I thought I did, and I am discovering this is how I am. I know I can't have you. I also know I am ruined for anyone else. But you should know that I am out here, and that this kind of love exists, for you may not experience it again. I would have to say it's rare, and I know we belong together, even though you don't know it.  You have affected my life. This must be my punishment for something I have done, although I'm not sure what that something is. All I can do is keep drying my tears, and swallowing down the lump that is my heart, always overflowing.

A "Wish I Had Written That" Moment

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star

To pray on, or wish on, or something like that

I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy

Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had

But then the dove of hope began its downward slope

And I believed for a moment that my chances

Were approaching to be grabbed

But as it came down near, so did a weary tear

I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb

Looking for a little hope

Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,

And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified

Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said

'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'

But he didn't get it I thought he was a man

But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

A Death In The Family

My family recently lost our Black Lab, Coco. Her bladder ruptured after an infection, or possible blockage, had gone on too long. We had taken her to the vet and she was on antibiotics, but the Vet failed to diagnose that her bladder had expanded to the size of her abdomen, which could have been spotted in a simple x-ray. She was about to turn 8. Just thirteen months before this, our German Shepherd Margot died of cancer, and a few years before that, our Terrier mix Joey died of old age. We still have our cat Hamlet and our Chihuahua Domino.

Now I am living in fear of the next tragedy. Hamlet is 13 or 14, and I am consumed with the impending doom of his passing. My daughter will be devastated, even more so than when our previous pets died. Hamlet is her cat and she is so very close to him. As a parent, one of the worst feelings you can have is not being able to console your child. I can't say, "everything will be alright" or "it will be better in the morning." This is death. And to animal lovers (and vegetarians) like ourselves, the impact is just as great as it would be if a family member had died.

At the emergency vet with Coco, the staff had to advise us before each procedure what the cost would be. I realize they are required to do this because they need their money to keep the facility running, but I found myself comparing the situation to a human who is ill. Does the doctor ask you if you can afford to save a life? Is that the first area of concern?  Vets will never "bill you." You have to decide then and there if your pet's life is worth the money. Coco ended up dying on her own, and afterward, we were given options as to what to do with her body. After each option was presented, the dollar amount came after. Cremation costs this, and if you want her ashes, it will cost this, or if you want her buried it will cost this. We were all in a  state of shock and mourning, and it was not the right time to hear a price being put on your friend's life. Again, I know this is standard procedure, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear.

Animals have always been my best friends. If I were able, I would buy a huge farm and take in all the strays and shelter animals in the world. They are God's creatures, just like us, and when I hear of people hunting them or hurting them, I become deeply saddened. I wish they lived as long as humans did.