Mandy Sellars

I have been getting major panic attacks when I know I have to be somewhere the next day. Pretty much the only places I go these days is to doctors' appointments, but knowing I can't sleep as late as I need to ('need' not  'want') makes me nuts.  Once I get to sleep, I'm good, but falling asleep can take hours, or not happen at all. My meds keep me sleepy, and I think I would sleep 24 hours per day without the aid of caffeine and someone waking me up. When you feel like crap all of the time, you start to become the master of avoidance and escape. More and more, I just want to stay in my room, watching movies. Even though the pain is a little worse when I am being still, movies take me to a place I would much rather be. I am the Queen of Cancelation regarding doctors - the dentist, my general doc, etc. but I make sure I get to the one who gives me my pain medicine. Sometimes I recollect who I used to be and I cannot even imagine getting up every day and being somewhere at the same time each day and staying a required number of hours (work, school..) I think about when I actually used to get things done, from going out and washing my car to socializing. Those things were never a big deal but now they are major outings that I choose to skip. I try to make myself believe there will be a cure and I can work again and get married and be normal. I wish for being normal a lot. I watched a documentary recently about a woman in the U.K. who has "giant legs." She is this tiny woman whose legs are absolutely huge and won't stop growing. But she drives a hand controlled car, lives alone, and insists on doing everything herself. She really inspires me. I wrote her and told her so.