It's 1:35am and I am mad at the world. I am not always this way, but right now I am. I am so sick of hurting all the time. I am so sick of not being able to do anything. Screw being able to have pleasure, I can't even do the every day things that need doing. It's not fair. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to my child. I just know I am being punished for something. I've asked God to forgive me for whatever I have done, but the pain is still here. I am on frigging Morphine for fuck's sake! Why am I still in so much pain? And how long can this go on? Usually when someone is in this much pain, they either die or get better. But the pain just keeps getting worse and I'm still here.
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Thank You, Gallo
Gosh, I haven't attended to this blog in quite a while.I've looked it over and there are some very silly posts on here. Lots of sel...
Dear Leslie,
ReplyDeleteReading your post today was like reading an exact duplicate of any of thousands of journal entries of my own over the past 20 or so years. The only difference being I'm not taking morphine but I do take quite a bit of hydorcodone, lyrica and other auxiliary meds.
How old is your child? My only child, Keith, is 23 and has been married a year. Growing up with me as his mom was dreadful for him in many ways, so I think I can understand kind of what you're goin through. My heart TOTALLY goes out to you!
I have over the last few weeks since you wrote to me on fb read several of your blog entries. I appreciate your feelings and thoughts and you for sharing them. I am a writer myself and have often thought how possibly healing or at least therapeutic writing a blog might be. Do you find it to be so?
I hope you are having a better day today. Does cold weather make you feel worse? How about weather fronts coming through? My body knows weather is coming long before I hear it in a forecast! :P Take care Leslie and know you are truly not alone!
Love, Georgi :)
Ps... I used to think God was punishing me for something too. But I'd like to share something that has helped me IMMENSELY with that. It's a scripture at James 1:13. "When under trial let no one say, "I am being tried by God." For with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try anyone." You have not done anything to deserve this. God is not punishing you, although the devil wants you to believe He is! I hope you will pray and meditate on that scripture and I hope it will help you feel a little better about the idea of God punishing you. And there are so many wonderful scriptures regarding that subject that I could go on for ages! I hope you don't mind my butting in with advice; I know that is one thing those of us who chronically suffer get more than our share of! ;)
I'm going to go back through your older blog entries now and thus get to know you a little better. I am sorry that we have this huge thing in common but I am happy to know you and have a connection anyway :)
Dear Georgie:
ReplyDeleteI have been on all those meds before. Ever feel like a guinea pig? What is your ailment? Neuropathy? I do know that God is not punishing me. I think it's just something I get on my mind when my pain is at its worst. I very aware I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and a lot of time feeling guilty. My daughter is 18 and her life has definitely been compromised because of me. She is very sweet and doesn't ask for much, but bc I can't work and I am on disability, we have seen some really lean times. My Mom does what she can for us but she is retired and on Social Security. My hope is that I can get Lindsay through college (she is a freshman) and she will have a happy life. As far as weather, my pain is not affected but I prefer cold weather in general. Are you married?
Hi again! Sorry for the delay. I am terrible at getting round to things I really want and fully intend to do. Yes I am married. For 24 years now! It has not been easy by any means, but little by little Bob has learned how to deal with my illness (which is fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome). Since I can't work he has spent most of our marriage working overtime and two jobs, and when he is home he is tired etc. Our lives and needs are simple, but nonetheless it is so difficult to keep up with my housework and our house is very old and needs a lot of work (which our many cats have accelerated) and it is hard for Bob to try to catch up on those things too. Other than my feeling useless and guilty and all that, and him working all the time, for the most part Bob and I are okay. I am truly blessed to have him in my life, since other than my son I don't have any family anywhere near me. (Neither geographically nor emotionally :(.
ReplyDeleteYes I certainly do feel like a guinea pig (poor guinea pigs!) with everything I've tried and taken through the years. I hate being on all this medicine but it's better than before I was on it and didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought for sure I was dying! And other times I just wished I was! While fibro pain isn't the same as neuropathy in itself, I do have neuropathy symptoms along with it. Not as badly as you I'm sure, but especially at night in bed my feet and up my legs feels all pins and needles- hot ones at that! Although I don't feel warm I usually feel cold. My hands get the neuropathy too.
I can't even qualify for disability because I was a stay at home mom and even though I worked jobs before I had my son, it was too long ago to count :(. My only real extravagance is my Rick Springfield habit, and since my poor husband has to fund it I have to keep that in check too lol. But a weekend trip to a concert a few hours away with my girlfriends does me a world of good mentally, even if I'm bedridden for the next week! While I'm at a gig I am high on adrenaline and no one would have a clue that I'm sick. They don't know the before and after times!
In fact, Didn't I meet you in the hotel lobby in Salina KS after Rick's show? Your profile page says you are from Virginia? Wow I was thinking what a brutal trip across country that might have been for you! Poor thing! Did you fly or car ride? Either form of travel is rough. I am sorry you cannot drive anymore! :( that really bites! I can drive but I don't go out a lot because I get so tired, dizzy, nauseous, hurty, etc. Night time driving is rare as I can't see in the dark against all the glaring lights very well.
I also have depression and anxiety and panic. A trip to the grocery store can overwhelm me to a full blown panic attack (throw in there my ADD. Geez I'm a mess!) So my husband does most of the shopping. I try to eat whole, organic foods, but most of the time the pain kills my appetite. I don't like meat nor the way livestock are treated. Meat grosses me out so it's not hard to avoid it. Still, chocolate is my big weakness. I mean GOOD, dark chocolate, like the expensive stuff that supports wildlife and rainforests, stuff like that :)
Well I'm sure you've tired of hearing about lil old me for awhile! Thanks for listening. Write me anytime! Hope you have a tolerable day at least, better yet a good one! :)
Love, Georgi ;)
PS I too tend to be a grammar nazi. Although, alas, since living in Oklahoma and not honing my skills as much, I notice I am slipping :/ but there are just certain things that drive me absolutely NUTS! Like misused apostrophes. Augh! Lol