For Natalie

A few days ago I received a package in the mail from a friend I went to High School with. She lives in another state, but we keep in touch via Facebook and phone. She hasn't been around me since I developed Neuropathy, but I have told her about my pain and how it affects everything else in my life. The package contained hair products I have been wanting to try out, but couldn't justify spending $30 a bottle at this juncture in my life. I had casually mentioned wanting to try out this product (which, of course, is CRUELTY-FREE!!) to Natalie on the phone once, and she remembered and thought enough to make a care package for me and surprise me with it. It's not even my birthday!  I was so excited it was almost silly! To know you're being thought of, particularly when you're going through a rough time, well, there's no better feeling. If you know anything about chronic pain, you know it casts a dark shadow over even the simplest things. It is very difficult to stay positive and you sort of want to retreat into your own little cocoon and hide away. Knowing that someone is in my corner rooting for me is really liberating, particularly since I have several friends who have conveniently disappeared over the years as my activity level has diminished.

So, thank you, Natalie! Thank you for realizing that even though I can't go dancing anymore, even though my 'long walks on the beach' days are long gone, I still want to feel pretty. I'm still a girl. Thank you for remembering I am still a human being.

All I Need Is A Good Defense

As a seasoned veteran of many rock and heavy metal shows, seeing a Fiona Apple show was a completely different taste for me. The show was so...calm. People were intently watching and listening. It was so grown-up. With the exception of that crazed fan sitting behind me shouting "I Love You Fiona!," and "You're so fucking hot!" during lulls (which was really annoying and not appreciated by anyone), I was able to hear and see so much more than people body slamming and head banging. The venue (Durham Performing Arts Center in Durham, NC) reminded me a bit of Constitution Hall in DC or The Beacon Theater in Manhattan, except it was cleaner and classier and the amenities were aplenty.  Attendees were falling all over themselves  to accommodate your every need, which was good, except they went totally Nazi toward anyone trying to take a photo. I wanted at least one photo, you know, just to say I had been there, but I had rent a cops all around me so I didn't even attempt to take one.

Because it takes a lot to get me out of the house these days, I was like a wide-eyed kid, taking it all in, people watching and behavior analyzing. What I noticed first and foremost was the audience. I think I may have seen one Black guy, a few people my age, and a few dudes, and the rest were teeny tiny little girls. It was difficult to determine the ages of the girls because of their tininess, but I would guess early thirties, which makes sense because Fiona debuted in 1996 and they were all in college then. I was a 26 year old mother of a one year old, but I have that timeless hipness that transcends having to be in college to appreciate certain music. I would like to think I still possess that, despite the fact that I rarely get out anymore. Anyway, I wanted to get a t -shirt, you know, to say I'd been there, and the t-shirt sizes were definitely a reflection of the audience as all the cute shirts were in Girl sizes. I asked the attendant what a Girl size was. She said they were like junior sizes and ran smaller than regular sizes. So regular sized women could pay to see Fiona, but only the 5 feet tall teeny tinies could represent that on their (lack of) chests in public. Personally, I think Fiona would be happy to have had my ample bosom display my fandom, but alas, I just picked up a shirt for my daughter, who was with me.

Fiona's band opened the show without her, coming on one by one with introduction from the guitar player, Blake Mills. He would play a little something, then the bass player came and played with him, then the drummer came out (a chick) doing her thing, and lastly the keyboardist took stage and they all four played a few tunes sans Fiona. They all left and in 30 minutes or so, came back accompanied with the little girl with the huge voice, Fiona Apple, belting out "Fast As You Can," one of her more rockin' tunes. She didn't engage the audience much, but when she did, and from what I could understand over that crazed fan chick behind me, she facetiously spoke of her preference to be called "Sugar Tits" rather than "Sweetheart," by the cop that arrested her a week earlier for possession of hash. She's also sick of being talked about for her  skinniness and people saying she has aged badly and the stupid jokes that were made when she was arrested. She said "fuck" a lot.

I don't want to lump Fiona in with all the other angry girl singers (like Alanis Morrisette) but it does seem that she puts out a record only every five years or so, corresponding with a break-up. I have always been such a fan of her writing. She is a true singer-songwriter who spills her guts and I can really relate to the heartache and depression and it seeming like you feel things more intensely than most people do. She says things like, "how can I ask anyone to love me, when all I do is beg to be left alone?" and " I kept touching my neck to guide your eye to where I wanted you to kiss me when we find some time alone.." You can't appreciate her without dissecting her lyrics.  She is all about substance over style and doesn't rely on lip-syncing so she can get her choreography just right. When she opens her mouth, the contrast to how she looks and how she sounds is astounding. She has this sultry, alto, bluesy voice that somehow comes out of a 90 pound vessel that is so unexpected and she plays piano with a confidence and force that belies her stature, as well . She wore a blue tank dress (intermittently covered with a home made t-shirt) with black tights and brown Mary Jane shoes and carefree messy hair that screamed, "don't look at me, just pay attention to my music." She twisted around like a little girl with her hands in her pockets, occasionally jumping up and down and writhing on the floor, clearly being motivated by the music, not dancing to please her audience, even though she did. I want to know her. I want to hang out with her.

It was great seeing Fiona and it was also just great being at a concert again. I had almost forgotten about how exciting it is and how young it can make you feel.




                                                 ***(Note: I did not take these photos)***

Byron

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.
--Lord Byron

Anything For Rock N Roll

I live and breathe for music, and I have enjoyed live shows since a very young age. My first 'real' concert was when I saw Rick Springfield at age 11. My brother, 14 at the time, and his best friend took me and my best friend. It was one of the best experiences of my life! Since then, I have seen countless other artists and have invested a lot of time and money in this hobby.

I think the last show I saw was Rick Springfield in 2004, when he was at The House of Blues in Myrtle Beach, SC. I was able to watch his sound check and have my picture taken with him because my friend and I purchased special VIP passes. I was diagnosed with neuropathy in 2000 or so, and walking for more than five minutes, prolonged standing, and pretty much prolonged anything causes me great pain in my extremities. I am in pain even when I am just sitting still, so any activity beyond that is quite excruciating. At this particular show, I had seats in the orchestra area, which, at the HOB, is first come, first serve. My friend Brenda, also a Rick fanatic, and I wanted to be right at the stage, so we arrived several hours early (as did hundreds of others) to wait in line. We were able to get right at the stage! We stood for several hours until Rick came on. There were no actual seats in the front area, so people were just crammed in like sardines in chaotic fashion. I was in pure agony the whole time. My legs and feet felt like daggers were being plunged into them, I was dizzy, and just plain miserable . I used my friend's shoulder to lean on from time to time to get some slight relief, but basically just put up with it. When Rick finally came on, I forgot about the pain for a bit and enjoyed the show, but for several days after, I was completely bedridden. I could barely walk or stand. After that experience, I pretty much came to the conclusion that that would be my last Rock and Roll show.

That was about eight years ago. One of my favorite artists, Fiona Apple, is currently touring to support her new CD. When I found out she was performing at The Durham Performing Arts Center, I jumped online and scouted out the venue. It's not a huge place; it kind of looks like a glorified High School auditorium, but nice. It reminds me a bit of the Beacon Theater in New York, where I saw Rick in 1999. I called DPAC, and told them I am not wheelchair bound (although I do have to use one during extended outings) but that I cannot climb stairs or stand for long periods. They said they could accommodate me, that there were elevators and handicapped seating. I had to call them directly for tickets rather than use the Internet, but I ended up getting seats in the front/orchestra area, a mere 4 rows from the stage! I am quite excited! I bought two tickets and will be taking Lindsay with me. The show is at the end of September, which gives me time to figure out other details, like lodging and parking. I can't/don't drive much, so I'll need to work all that out.

There are so many things, even just every day things, I am unable to do these days. I have accepted it, for the most part, but it's very easy to get down on myself, particularly when I think about the future. Going to this show is a MAJOR deal for me. A few hours of escape will do wonders for me, and I am thrilled to share this with my daughter. She has had to suffer the consequences of my illness, too, and I have incredible guilt over not being able to get out and do things with her. I plan to research and plan more fun things we can do together!

Durham Performing Arts Center:
http://www.dpacnc.com/events/seating_chart

CD Collection (Always in Progess)

AC/DC - Back In Black

AC/DC - Ballbreaker

AC/DC - The Razor’s Edge

Aguliera, Christina - Christmas

Aguliera, Christina – Keeps Getting Better (Greatest Hits)

Aguliera, Christina - Stripped

Alice In Chains - Alice In Chains

Alice In Chains – Dirt

Apple, Fiona – Extraordinary Machine

Apple, Fiona – Idler Wheel…

Apple, Fiona - Tidal

Apple, Fiona – To the Pawn…

Arie, India – Acoustic Soul

Babyface - The Day

Bad Company - Holy Water

Bad Company - 10 From 6

Barenaked Ladies - Stunt

Beck - Odelay

Benatar, Pat - Best Shots

Big Head Todd And The Monsters - Sister Sweetly

Black Sabbath - Nativity in Black/Tribute

Bon Jovi - Bon Jovi

Bowie, David - Best Of

Braxton, Toni - Toni Braxton

Brickell, Edie and the New Bohemians - Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars

Buble, Michael - Christmas

Bullet Boys - Smooth Up

Bush – Deconstructed **

Bush - Razorblade Suitcase

Bush - Sixteen Stone

Buzz Bin Vol. 1 - MTV Collection

Candlebox - Candlebox

Carey, Mariah - “1”

Chart Toppers Vols. 1 & 2 - 80’s Collection

Cinderella - Long Cold Winter

Cinderella - Night Songs

Clapton, Eric - Unplugged

Clapton, Eric- Time Pieces

Cooper, Alice - Raise Your Fist and Yell

Counting Crows - Recovering the Satellites**

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Revisited

Cult, The - Electric

Cult, The - Fire Woman

Cult, The - High Octane Cult

Cult, The - Sonic Temple

Cure, The - Galore

Cure, The - Greatest Hits

Dayne, Taylor - Greatest Hits

Dessa - False Hopes

Days of the New - Days of the New

Depeche Mode - Violator

Def Leppard – Pyromania

Def Leppard - Vault

Dido- No Angel

Doors, The - Best Of

Duran Duran – Decade

Eagles, The - Greatest Hits

Everclear - So Much for the Afterglow

Everclear - Sparkle and Fade

Faster Pussycat - Faster Pussycat

Firehouse - Firehouse

Foreigner - Records

Garbage - Garbage

Godsmack – Godsmack

Gomez, Selena - Revival

Great White - Hooked

Great White - Twice Shy

Green Day - Insomnia

Guns N Roses - Appetite for Destruction

Hatfield, Juliana - Only Everything

House of Lords - Sahara

Imbruglia, Natalie - Left Of the Middle

Jackyl - Jackyl

John, Elton - Greatest Hits 1970-2002

Journey - Escape

Journey - Greatest Hits

Judas Priest - Best Of

Kilzer, John - Memory in the Making

KISS – Smashes, Thrashes, and Hits

KIX - Blow My Fuse

Kravitz, Lenny – Greatest Hits

L.A. Guns - Cocked and Loaded

Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory

Led Zeppelin - Encomiun/Tribute

Led Zeppelin - “Four" **

Lopez, Jennifer – J. Lo.

Lopez, Jennifer - On The 6

Lopez, Jennifer – This Is Me…Then

Lorde- Heroine

Lynard Skynard - Gold and Platinum

Madonna - Bedtime Stories

Madonna - Erotica

Madonna - Immaculate Collection

Madonna - Like a Prayer

Madonna - Something to Remember

Marcy Playground - Marcy Playground

Marley, Bob - Legend

Matchbox 20 - Yourself or Someone like You

Megadeath - Countdown to Extinction

Megadeath - The Craving

Megadeath - Hidden Treasures

Michael, George - Best Of

Michael, George - Freedom (Single)

Miller, Steve - Greatest Hits

Morrisette, Alanis- Jagged Little Pill

Morrisette, Alanis - Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie

Motley Crue - Decade Of Decadence

Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood

Motley Crue - Generation Swine

Motley Crue - Girls Girls Girls

Motley Crue - Shout at the Devil

Night Ranger - Greatest Hits

No Doubt - Singles

No Doubt – Rock Steady

No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom

Oasis - What’s The Story Morning Glory?

O’Neal, Shaquille - Shaq Diesel

Osbourne, Ozzy - Ozzmosis

Pearl Jam – Ten **

Plant, Robert - The Principle of Moments

Police, The – Every Breath You Take

Police, The - Synchronicity

Poison - Look What The Cat Dragged In

Poison - Open Up And Say Ahhh

Presidents Of The United States of America, The - The Presidents Of The USA

Prince – The Very Best Of

Queen - Greatest Hits

Ratt - Ratt N Roll

R.E.M. - Eponymous

Rhinobucket - Get Used To It

Ronstadt, Linda - Grreatest Hits Vol. 2

Roxx Gang - Things You’ve Never Done Before

Sade - Best Of

Scorpions - Best of Rockers And Ballads

Scorpions - Savage Amusement

Seal - Seal

Silverchair – Frogstone

Simpson, Ashlee - Autobiography

Sinatra, Frank – Christmas

Sinatra, Frank – Christmas Songs by Sinatra

Sinatra, Frank - Most Requested

Sisters With Voices - It’s About Time

Skid Row - B-Side Ourselves

Skid Row - Skid Row

Slaughter - Stick It to Ya

Smithereens, The – A Date With The Smithereens

Smithereens, The - Especially For You

Smithereens, The - 11

SOHO - Goddess

Soundgarden - Badmotorfinger

Airheads - Soundtrack

Austen Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me – Soundtrack

Bill And Ted’s Bogus Journey - Soundtrack

Boomerang - Soundtrack

Bulworth – Soundtrack

Cocktail – Soundtrack

Crow, The - Soundtrack

Dumb And Dumber - Soundtrack

Empire Records - Soundtrack

Fast Times At Ridgemont High – Soundtrack

Garden State - Soundtrack

Heavy Metal – Soundtrack

I Know What You Did Last Summer – Soundtrack

Imagine - Soundtrack

Iron Eagle 2 – Soundtrack

Magnolia – Soundtrack

Pump Up The Volume - Soundtrack

Reality Bites - Soundtrack

Roadhouse - Soundtrack

Saturday Night Fever - Soundtrack

Spawn – Soundtrack

Valley Girl - Soundtrack

Walk To Remember, A - Soundtrack

When Harry Met Sally - Soundtrack

Spears, Britney - Baby One More Time

Spears, Britney - Blackout

Spears, Britney – Britney

Spears, Britney - Circus

Spears, Britney – Femme Fatale

Spears, Britney – Greatest Hits

Spears, Britney – Into the Zone

Spears, Britney - Ooops, I Did It Again

Spears & N Sync - McDonald’s Compilation

Springfield, Rick - Alive

Springfield, Rick - Alive (Limited Edition)

Springfield, Rick - Backtracks

Springfield, Rick - Beginnings

Springfield, Rick - Best Of

Springfield, Rick – Christmas With You

Springfield, Rick - Comic Book Heroes

Springfield, Rick – Day After Tomorrow, The

Springfield, Rick - Greatest Hits

Springfield, Rick - Encore Collection

Springfield, Rick – From the Vault

Springfield, Rick - Hard To Hold (Soundtrack)

Springfield, Rick - Karma

Springfield, Rick - Living In Oz

Springfield, Rick – Rocket Science

Springfield, Rick - Rock of Life

Springfield, Rick - Sahara Snow

Springfield, Rick - SHOCK/ANGER/DENIAL/ACCEPTANCE

Springfield, Rick - Songs For The End Of The World

Springfield, Rick – Stripped Down

Springfield, Rick - Success Hasn’t Spoiled Me Yet

Springfield, Rick – Tao

Springfield, Rick – Venus In Overdrive

Springfield, Rick – Wait For Night

Springfield, Rick - Working Class Dog

Stained – Greatest Hits

Starr, Mazzy - So Tonight That I Might See

Stewart, Rod - Greatest Hits

Sting - Brand New Day

Sting - Greatest Hits

Stone Temple Pilots - Core

Stone Temple Pilots – Purple **

Stone Temple Pilots - Tiny Music...

Streisand, Barbra - Christmas

Swift, Taylor - 1989

Taylor, James - Christmas

Taylor, James - Greatest Hits

Tepper, Robert - No Easy Way Out

Tesla - Bust A Nut

Tesla - Five Man Acoustical Jam

Tesla - Great Radio Controversy

Tesla - Mechanical Resonance

Tesla - Psychotic Supper

Third Eye Blind - Third Eye Blind

Timberlake, Justin - Justified

Tribe Called Quest, A - Anthology

Tribe Called Quest, A - People’s Instinctive Travels..

Twisted Sister - Best Of

Twisted Sister - Come Out and Play

Ugly Kid Joe - As Ugly As They Wanna Be

Usher – Confessions

Usher - Usher

Van Halen - 1984

Van Halen - Van Halen

Veruca Salt - Eight Arms To Hold You

Very Special Christmas, A - Various

Wallflowers,  The - Bringing Down The Horse

Warrant - Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich

Whitesnake - Slip of the Tongue

Whitesnake – Whitesnake

White Stripes, The – Seven Nation Army

Who,  The - Hooligans

Self

Years ago, my shrink asked me what qualities I look for in a man. Then he asked me to name all the guys I had dated/been in a relationship with. After that, he asked me if any of them had any of those qualities, and shockingly, I discovered I had never been with anyone who was really what I wanted. I realized then that I have always settled and that I basically liked anyone who liked me. I was the poster girl for low self-esteem. With age comes wisdom, and now I would rather be alone than settle. I want someone who lives and breathes for love, would go after me if I left the room upset, and would go through any distance and time to find me. It's a tall order, yes, but I feel anything less just isn't worth it. I want my lover to be my best friend, and if I have that someone, all I need in addition is Lindsay. I don't need an entourage all the time. I don't need other people to validate who I am.

50+ Things About Me

1. I really like pink.
2. I collect Hello Kitty stuff.
3. I like to watch moronic TV, like Teen Mom and The Secret Life of The American Teenager. I have also recently started watching "What's In My Bag" videos on You Tube.
4. I sing to my cat.
5. My daughter is my best friend.
6. I love Seinfeld. Lindsay and I quote it all the time and no one knows what the heck we're talking about.
7. In 3rd grade PE class during a game of Brownies and Fairies, I ran into a wall and broke my arm because I turned around while running to see if I was about to be tagged.
8. I can't remember how many schools I have attended. My Mom dragged me all over the place. To name a few: The Shenandoah Valley in Virginia; Blacksburg, VA (where I broke my arm); Birmingham, AL; Gulf Shores, AL; Oakland, MD; Fredericksburg, VA; Greensboro, NC...too many to list, really.
9. I went to boarding school for one night at age 16. I cried for my Mom all night and left the next day.
10. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I still can't believe they were ever even married. My Mom is a sunny, sweet, optimistic person, and my Dad....isn't.
11. I am a Vegetarian and a wannabe Vegan.
12. When I was born, I was 23 inches long and almost 10 pounds. My Mom is 5'5".
13. I have been coloring my hair since the 9th grade, and I'm not totally sure what color it truly is naturally.
14. I never knew what love really was until I gave birth to my daughter.
15. To me, a 'good, stiff drink' is a Pepsi will full sugar and caffeine.
16. I used to fall in love pretty easily, but now my list of "must-haves" in a man is pretty long and specific. I will publish that list at another time.
17. I lost my virginity at age 19 to a guy named Pat on St. Patrick's Day.
18. I haven't flown since 9/11. It hasn't been an intentional thing, I just never get to go anywhere.
19. I am a registered Republican.
20. I like going to the movies by myself.
21. I have insomnia.
22. I breastfed my daughter for 16-18 months. I am a big advocate of breast-feeding and am completely horrified by women who don't do it.
23. My first kiss was at age 14.
24. I speak some French and would like to become fluent.
25. My paternal Grandmother was a WW2 war bride from England. She came to the States in her early 20's and kept her British accent until she died around age 85.
26. Losing my (maternal) Grandfather, "Papa," when I was in the 5th grade is the biggest loss of my life thus far.
27. I do not use products that are tested on animals.
28. I have loved Rick Springfield since I was 11 years old. I got to meet him when I was 34.
29. Good, well-written music can make me cry.
30. I used to get crushes on my college professors. I am really turned on by intelligence. My dating history doesn't fully represent this.
31. I broke my ankle when I was 28 by stepping in a hole in the backyard.
32. I used to bring my daughter Lindsay with me to class at UNCG when I didn't have anyone to watch her. Everyone, including the profs, thought she was the cutest.
33. I wrote my first short story when I was in the 2nd grade. I wrote about my best friend Kim and me running a detective agency.
34. I have major OCD, but Paxil put the kibosh on it.
35. I am almost six feet tall.
36. I wish I were closer with my brother.
37. I love office supplies.
38. I prefer rain to sun.
39. I want to go to Europe. I wouldn't mind not coming back.
40. I like Ovaltine.
41. I wore braces as a teenager and I would take off my headgear during the night and throw it on the floor.
42. I have a stuffed lamb ("Lambchops") that I have slept with since I was 5.
43. I live in the South, but I hate the accents, the rednecks, the hot weather, and the tanning. If I had the means, I would live in New England. Or Europe.
44. I am told my best features are my eyes, my mouth, and my legs. My Mom likes my nose for some reason.
45. I can be friends with ex-boyfriends. Very few want to be my friend, however.
46. I am very intense. I feel everything 100x more than the average person. My pleasure is intensified just as much as my pain, so that's the good thing.
47. Growing up, I didn't like being tall because I didn't like standing out. Now, I think it's pretty darn cool.
48. My greatest wish is for my daughter to always be happy and healthy.
49. I hate when people discuss how much things cost.
50. I judge people by their use or non-use of correct grammar.
51. I hate smoking. I am glad it's finally illegal to smoke in restaurants, but I want it taken a step further - I want it outlawed altogether.
52. I rarely, if ever, drink alcohol.
53. I was baptised in my (maternal) Grandparent's church in Collinsville, VA when I was 34. I feel every person should come to this decision on his own, and not just based on the urging of his parents.
54. I giggle when I'm nervous.
55. I have a big mouth and don't know when to hold back sometimes. I say everything that is on my mind out loud. It gets me in trouble quite often.
56. The movie "Into The Wild" is my favorite movie of all time. It changed my life.
57. I sleep with a fan running to drown out noise.
58. I love animals more than most people.
59. If I am cold, I would rather snuggle in a blanket than cut the air conditioning down.