Poor Poor Pitiful Me

I recently joined a Neuropathy discussion group online and WOW. I am not alone. I never really thought I was really alone, but it's very easy to get wrapped up in your own minutia and garbage and feel like you are the only one on the planet who is suffering. I suppose depression adds to that feeling of loneliness and despair. Everything is magnified. But I am learning that there are thousands of people going through the same thing I am, and in some weird universe, it comforts me. I don't want anyone to suffer, mind you, but it gives me the sense that I don't have some obscure disease and no one knows how to treat it and my suffering is unique and more painful than others'. I want to be like one of those cancer survivors who made themselves better. I want to be proactive. Right now I am just letting it all happen to me. There's no cure for what I have, but surely there are things I can do to feel better. Deja vu - have I said this before? So I am taking baby steps and the first thing I am going to do is swim. The pool in my community just opened up. It's free. I don't relish the idea of trying on bathing suits, but I suppose no woman does, except maybe Kate Upton. My friend Traci  told me to get over it, get a suit and enjoy the summer. I need to get my kid out of the house too because she is not taking classes this summer. Let's see if I follow through. I am also going to try to blog more and hope it gets me motivated to write professionally again. My hands definitely hurt while typing, but I could make excuses the rest of my life and it never be discovered that I have something valuable and important to say to the world. See, this was a positive post. How will the next one be?

Detachment

The thing about always feeling like shit is you don't feel like writing. You don't feel like doing anything. I'm following that instinct.

Done

It's 1:35am and I am mad at the world. I am not always this way, but right now I am. I am so sick of hurting all the time. I am so sick of not being able to do anything. Screw being able to have pleasure, I can't even do the every day things that need doing. It's not fair. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to my child. I just know I am being punished for something. I've asked God to forgive me for whatever I have done, but the pain is still here. I am on frigging Morphine for fuck's sake! Why am I still in so much pain? And how long can this go on? Usually when someone is in this much pain, they either die or get better. But the pain just keeps getting worse and I'm still here.

Driving And Crying

Right this moment, more than anything, I want to get in my car, drive around, and play music at a deafening level. The windows will be down, regardless of what the weather may be. My hair will whip across my face. I will sing along, and I will be alone. I will think about things and clear my head, and drive by old haunts, and places I used to live. Certain songs will bring out emotion in me, and I will deal with them on my own. I may remember a certain time in my life, whether good or bad, and react accordingly. I can cry and no one will see. I can laugh out loud and not have to explain to anyone what's so funny.

It may seem like nothing, but this is one of the many things I can't do anymore. I realize it's not up there with being able to work or climb a flight of stairs, but it's something that I loved that has been taken away from me. I have no feeling in my feet so I have been ordered not to drive. And even though I have owned a vehicle since the day I turned 16 (all with excellent sound systems), I do not currently own a car. What would be the point?  It puts me in a good mood to drive and sing.

Mind you, today is a bad day. Today is the kind of day I think about stuff like this. On other days I count my blessings, knowing I could be worse off than I am. But not today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Fiona Apple And Factory Farming

18 And Life

So my daughter is newly 18. Some consider this to be adulthood. People say things like "s/he's your responsibility for eighteen years." Eighteen year olds are still in high school. Eighteen year olds are still teenagers. And my 18 year old will always be my baby.

When I look through Lindsay's baby photos, a sadness comes over me. It's sort of like a death, you know. That part of life is over and it's never coming back. Pictures are all you have, the ones in the photo album and the ones in your head. Even though I love Lindsay at this age and every age, I mourn the loss of that time of innocence, the way she needed me and the way I needed her. I suppose this is why some people have so many children, because they never want to give up being needed in that way. Personally, I can't imagine having more than one. I have so much love for Lindsay that the idea of dividing it between multiple children seems impossible.

Now she says I'm too clingy. She thinks it's silly that I get so emotional when looking at her pictures or reminiscing over her baby days. But she obliges me. I'm lucky that we are so close and she's right here and I can squeeze her when I want to. We joke about me living in her basement when she gets married. She's going to college locally so I can still pretend she's my baby for a while longer.

Vegetarianism and Beyond: Some Thoughts on Animals (WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES)

I am overwhelmed with sadness when I see the abuse animals are put through just to satisfy humans. I have been a vegetarian for five or so years and it dawns on me pretty regularly how strange it is that prior to those five or so years, I didn't really think about these things. But now I think about it all the time. It has come down to my thinking it is morally, ethically, and perhaps Biblically wrong to consume animal flesh or use their skin or any other part of them as a resource to benefit the human race. When people say "animals were put on Earth to feed us," I want to punch that person in the face. I want them to know how moronic that ideology is. If we were cave people, I'd buy it, but there are plenty of resources where we can get protein without slaughtering innocent animals who have a face and parents and the right to live in peace. And hunting? How barbaric is hunting? It absolutely flabbergasts me that someone can prey upon one of God's creatures, just minding his business, nibbling on grass, living on the land that God put there for him, and put a bullet in his brain.  Maybe it's a deer whose mother is nearby, or is frolicking with his brothers. Who are you to put an end to that life just because you like to play with guns? And these rednecks who post the heads of their kill on their walls like trophies, and teach the practice to their young children...I simply can't take it anymore. I must note that I do not condemn all non-vegetarians. I was once a meat eater (albeit not red meat) and I had to educate myself to be how I am now. I only hope people will think about it. Plus, as everyone knows - it's healthier! But that really isn't even the real reason I have developed this way of thinking. It's about being a compassionate person. It's about not wanting the innocent to suffer. The next time you cook a lobster, pay close attention to it screaming as it's boiled alive. And the next time you eat Jell-O, think about the ground up horse hooves used to manufacture it.

Eating animals is just one of the many abuse issues that exists. Animals in zoos and circuses are often abused during training exercises. They should be in the wild, not a cage, and were not put on this earth to be whipped and electrically pronged so they can do tricks for humans.

You probably don't even know what some poor bunny rabbit, cat, or monkey (and more) went through to get your mascara and detergent on the shelves at your local grocery store.

These bunnies try to escape by pulling their heads out of the guillotine style torture chamber. Their necks break and they die instantly. Perhaps sudden death is better that what happens in the pic below:

India and the UK have recently banned animal testing for cosmetics. Supposedly, we are the most civilized country on the planet, but the United States has yet to follow suit. I only use products that have NOT been tested on animals, and there are quite a few. If people would boycott animal tested products and their sales plummeted, perhaps the government would notice. Animal testing is required in China and many companies conduct animal testing so they can sell their products there.

If you have a hard time watching this video, how could you possibly use animal tested products?

If you would like to know which products do NOT test on animals, click here:
http://www.peta.org/living/beauty-and-personal-care/companies/search.aspx?Testing=0&Range=0

Here are some recommendations for some products that can be found at most grocery stores. For household cleaning supplies, Seventh Generation is top notch. They also make baby supplies and some beauty products. Method is a good brand, too. As far as make-up, pretty much all the top drug store brands test. Easy ones to find that do not test are Physician's Formula, Wet and Wild, Hard Candy, NYX, Milani, Burt's Bees, Too Faced, Tarte, and Urban Decay. (I find it strange that Ellen Degeneres and Pink speak out about animal abuse, but both do ads for Cover Girl, who torture animals.) There are lots of higher end cosmetics at Sephora and Ulta that do not test, so just check the list. I keep a list with me in my purse so I can always double check if I am not sure about something.

I hope to someday live in a world where it is illegal to test products on animals, the majority of the population is Vegetarian, factory farming is illegal, and people don't think it's fashionable to adorn animal skin on their bodies.

Please check out a series of articles about factory farming in the Ian Somerhalder Foundation newsletter, written by my good friend  and writer, Traci Hobson.
http://www.isfoundation.com/campaign/factory-farming-america-introduction